FYI, this is an emotional post.

My grandma died in August. This caused a chain of events that ended up with me having to move cities and live in her house.

I mean, 2020 had been quite a year prior to that, but August really was the cherry on top. 

Today I found it really hard to be in this house and not miss grandma. I look around and all her stuff is still here, but she isn't. While I know this is how life is, and nothing lasts forever, I have this feeling like - I just don't understand WHY it happened now? 

One of the last things she said to us was,

 "I'm sorry girls, I thought there would be more time."

Same grandma, same. And I can't quite believe there isn't, even now. 

It doesn't feel right. I suppose it's not meant to.

Managing grief is a real pain in the bum. It sits with you, waiting, and then when you least expect it, it jumps out at you and has a good old chew on your raw heart. The cold hard truth is - you have to go through the motions of it. 

It all really sucks. This is why I have decided to give myself a break this year.

A break from pleasing other people, a break from trying to keep an image for my job, a break from small talk, and institutions and all the other trite stuff that people get all caught up with. 

 I.JUST.DONT.CARE. 

I'm just going to do what is best for me for a while. That's why I've been drawing...and drawing...and drawing. 

There is something about drawing that soothes me like nothing else. I've got to a  point where I don't even share half of what I make. At the moment drawing is my escape. It's a way I can bring something together when the rest of my life is so scattered. Drawing makes sense.

I don't want you (the reader) to think that I am stuck in some deep depression or that I'm looking for sympathy, or giving up on responsibilities - I'm not. 

I'm giving up on the stuff that doesn't matter to me, and focusing on the stuff that does matter and SHOULD matter. 

I'm sick of politely letting go of what I am supposed to do so other people can use my skills to prop up their empires.

The fantastic thing about grandma was that she lived a FULL life to the best of her ability. She was SO brave and kind, and generous - BUT - she certainly didn't waste the time she had or the skills she had on things that didn't matter to her.

I know I'm not grandma, but I think the best way I can honour her memory is to make sure that I don't waste my time or my skills.

I want to be the best me I can be. Not to gain success or money, but rather, to live a life without being inhibited in who I am.

Anyway, this post is far too long already and has been more of a therapy session for me than anything else.

Long live the rebellion!

Minnie